Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
