yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
