Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
