WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
