just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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