fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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