I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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