I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
