I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
