just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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