can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
