8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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