he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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