Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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