why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
