I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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