Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
