I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
