so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
