i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
