I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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