we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
