Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
