my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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