My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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