Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
