I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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