i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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