Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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