He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
