I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize