life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
