Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
