it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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