so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
