I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
