The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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