Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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