You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Pants are for mortals
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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