Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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