I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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