I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
