i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
