this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
