I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
When are your genitals available?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
