so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
