someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
