I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
