Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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