I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
