I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just cropdusted the office
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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