I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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