i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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