Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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