oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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