Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize