It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
did i just pee glitter
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize