she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
