I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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