Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
