There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
