I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
