I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
