Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
