i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
jump out the window naked night went bad
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