At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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