my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
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You. Win. At. Life.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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