So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
