She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
