I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
