Got a toothbrush?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
