Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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