i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
