Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
