dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
whose parrot is this?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
