I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
