considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
But theres a keg here and me gusta
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
