ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just gift wrapped bread.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
