my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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