Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
